I Am A Woman That Has Hurt Men

I am a woman that has hurt men. I own that. I didn’t always know clearly what I wanted in my life, and I wasn’t always self-aware enough to see the way my actions could hurt someone, sometimes I did, but I was selfish.   I wasn’t always strong enough to walk away from something I wanted when it wasn’t working.  Men are not the only ones in the world hurting relationships and hurting their partners.  Men aren’t the only cheaters or liars.

What I can say is that I have never gone on an attack because someone hurt me or left me.  I don’t assume something is wrong with them because they choose not to be in love with me.  I also don’t assume something is wrong with me.  I am human and God knows I have made bad choices for amazing sex before. Many times. This is not a choice I make anymore because the fallout is painful.

One of the biggest things I hear from male clients that disturbs me is that their ex “didn’t know how to be loved” or “they push love away” or “ they are afraid of something good”.  They also seem extremely angry that someone would end a relationship if they have been good to that person.  Look, nobody is required to be with you forever. You are doing yourself and your relationship such a disservice to be so focused on the end. (I don’t believe marriage has to be forever either. you can read my opinion on that here)

Sometimes people just grow apart or need to move on.  Sometimes we just don’t fit.  That doesn’t make me afraid of love and it is not because someone hurt me.  It is because I am self-aware, I know what works in my life, but more importantly, I know what I am willing to contribute, and that is truly not much.  I genuinely hate texting and messaging back and forth. Trust me when I tell you that I understand how unnatural that seems for people.  That alone narrows my partner pool significantly.  There is probably nothing I hate more than a pointless conversation.

My relationships are very meaningful to me, I usually feel a soul connection to the men in my life that I choose to partner with, but I also have boundaries and rules about what I am willing to contribute to the relationship.  If I see that it’s hurting someone or not working for him, then I end it, not because I am afraid, but because I have chosen the life that I want. For now.

I am single by choice, that is not the same as being available and it is not the same as being afraid or hurt. I have a great life and I know that I am not willing to change any part of it right now, so I make hard choices sometimes.  I miss my partner sometimes, and I hurt him sometimes when I am not willing to be flexible in order to see him, and if that means he moves on, I can find peace with that.

My message to men: Sometimes you will do everything right and they will still leave or they still may not be able to reciprocate or are not willing to reciprocate. It is perfectly okay for people to not have the same need for love that you have.  Man up and accept that sometimes things don’t work. That doesn’t mean anyone is broken, sometimes people just have different priorities.

My message to women: Another person can make you unhappy, but another person cannot make you happy.  Don’t stay out of obligation, guilt, or shame.