Sex on Autopilot-Please stop
Can I predict, almost exactly, the order in which sex proceeds in your relationship? Probably. I have done this with many, many, many clients and for some reason they seem surprised every time. Then when they really think about it, they realize it has been that way since they were young. (with mild variations)
I have worked with hundreds of clients, both male and female, and many are dealing with the same issues. I’m not really here to talk about those issues as much as I am here to talk about this mindless auto pilot we are all on with regard to sex.
Even I fall into it occasionally when I am exhausted with trying to find partners who can grasp the concept of truly connected sex.
Every time I ask a client about their fantasies, I get basically the same responses. I already know what you are going to say. I attribute this largely to the fact people don’t really allow themselves to believe that they can get or go much past what they already have so they cannot conceive of it. When a client talks me through their fantasy, they usually start and progress the same way.
When we repeat a behavior enough times, either in our mind or in our reality, we create a neuropathway in our brain. Breaking out of this will be really challenging, but it is an opportunity to change the game completely. Look, if you are happy with your life, then just keep doing what you are doing. If you aren’t happy, you might want to take a closer look at your sex life.
According to my female clients, they know exactly when their man is looking for sex because he is so predictable. Usually, it is that he is touching her. My male clients almost all acknowledge that they have a way that they approach sex and usually it is that they start touching their spouse. If your spouse tenses up or puts up a wall when you touch her, it is probably because you only touch her when you want to penetrate her. Touch her without trying to penetrate her. Not only once, but frequently.
I want to be clear that you can only change you. Don’t go into this with an attitude of “if they change it would be better”. Just start changing not only your actions, but your expectations. Disappointment and pain come from expectations that are not met. Period.
In my experience, both male and female clients don’t know how to touch each other in a way that moves sexual energy. It confuses me to watch couples together and see that they both touch each other’s genitals first, and often only that. I know a lot of people will say that men don’t care, they just want to have sex. Maybe. But when working through sessions with male clients, they are working slowly through the energy and the feelings and quite often they recognize and admit that what they want/fee/need/crave is intimacy, touch, comfort, to be desired, to be heard, to be seen. Is that surprising? Since sex is where men and women often get these things, they just create a shortcut in their mind. They begin to say/believe “I want sex”.
Change the pattern and you can change the experience. You can learn what it is that you really want/need/crave. That is not to say that you don’t need/want/crave sex, but that is just a means to an end most often. If you are currently not happy in your life/relationship, you have nothing to lose to just try it. Try breaking the pattern. Do something different. Take penetration off the table for week/month, and instead, just touch each other and see what happens. Let me know if you would like me to post some exercises you can do with your partner to explore this further. Or talk to me about a couple’s session or a date night.